Visiting a Doctor in a Dystopian Hellscape
As some of you may be aware, going to the doctor is no longer the joyous thrill ride of your doctor recommending laudanum and prescribing you a dildo like the good ol' days. They also aren't willing to swing by your house to check in on you anymore like they once did. Well, this guy might, but that's a tale for a different time.
Times have changed. Used to be you could visit the barber and he give you a trim, pull a tooth and amputate a foot all for a very reasonable some. Nowadays, things are a bit more involved. Like Quantum Calculus involved. And not even the kind in a frictionless spherical vacuum. Were talking HMOs, PPOs, HSAs, and PTSDs. You need to know about copays, coinsurance, codependents and anti-depressants just to work up the courage to call the doctor. To handle this, we've put together this handy list of helpful pointers to guide you through one of the most unpleasant experiences outside of being a 16 year old watching a movie with your parents when a sex scene comes on.
1) Don't be poor
Ok. Ok. We know you've heard this before. But rule number one of surviving in this country is always the same. Don't be poor. In this instance, we basically mean, work at a job that pays you enough for you to be able to hand over the bulk of it to some giant corporation in exchange for a lifetime of infuriating phone calls, emails, customer support messages, and very little to show for it. Ideally after you've given We're talking about $7,700 if you're single and $22,000 if you're crazy enough to procreate [source]. If you're in the average household making about $74.5k per year[source] that means you only have to hand over about 28% of your money over for this marvelous experience. So, like we said, don't be poor.
2) Have insurance
In case we really have to spell it out for you, most doctors will not even want to talk to you without the knowledge that you both get to suffer the wrath of an insurance company. The only person that comes close to feeling your hate filled rage at an insurance denial is the person that requested the procedure, medicine, or referral for you. But alas, we (the US, not Minimally Useful) built the bulk of our society around middlemen and in order to slightly lower the chances of complete financial ruin, most places of medicine, and even back alley surgeons, will want to see some form of insurance before they will look you in the eyes. Some doctors will take you on with the promise of cash, others will take you as long as you pay up front, but if they take insurance, there's a chance that the insurance companies they are contracted with may get angry if they don't like what they're charging patients not using insurance.
Regardless, the safest way to hate the idea of going to the doctor is to have medical insurance.
3) Be Rich
In case we haven't hammered it home yet, you are just a walking meat bag waiting for death unless some cold hard cash can be extracted from you by as many unrelated parties as possible along the way. For this reason, it's best to start with the biggest pile of cash possible to pay off all the greedy fingers trying to slip their way into your wallet as you stroll into that ER for the removal of that Christmas tree ornament you definitely accidentally fell on ass first without pants on. So as you pay out the $300 copay for crossing the threshold of the ER, the $800 for the x-rays from the techs that are totally judging you right now, the $4500 for the sphincter specialist who's exhausted because you're the 12th person today with the same injury, and the $45000 hospital room fee for the 15-minutes that specialist had you bent over a bed, just remember, you're rich and you'll soon be home sipping champagne slushies as you eye that extremely provocatively shaped baby Jesus ornament for no reason at all.
You may say, but step 2 says "Have Insurance". Well you'd be right. The good news is that you picked an "in-network" hospital. Already a pretty amazing feat since the insurance network coverage looks like a T-mobile coverage chart from 1997. This means that they've agreed to certain rates for the all the fun you just had and they've negotiated that price down from a $50k to a paltry $30k. Well, that is except for the janitor that cleaned up the room after you left. Turns out he was not in-network and so his services will tack on an additional $10k. But insurance will send you a bill exclaiming how they saved you $10k like you're at the checkout of a Kohl's when they're handing you some Kohl's cash.
What we're trying to say here is, if you aren't loaded, maybe be more careful when wondering the house in the nude. Just sayin'.
4) Shop Around
Quite literally. Shop around. This isn't just for trying to find the best price on TVs anymore. It can be in your best interest to talk to multiple places to see how much a surgery might cost. Use caution though. Just because the guy behind the 7/11 has a 4.2 star rating and is willing to work for a 6-pack of Genesee, doesn't mean you should trust him with your internal organs. Ask for some references first.
5) Bring your phone and a book
Now that you've made it this far, the next most important part of modern healthcare is to bring some form of entertainment. No matter which kind of office you come in to, if you're even remotely coherent, they're going to make you wait. It could be the ER for broken bone, the urgent care for explosive diarrhea, or a scheduled visit for the first appointment of the morning with your regular doctor, one thing is constant. You will wait. This can vary wildly too. Could be anywhere from 15 minutes to 8 hours. But you will wait and it will feel like torture. Best thing you can do is bring something to occupy your brain while you try to take the focus off how much that compound fracture in your leg is hurting.